Pregnancy Quiz

This humorous quiz was published in Pregnancy circa 2001. Kellie and I always crack each other up and writing this was a blast. The published version did not include half the outrageousness we came up with. Some of the cultural references are a little dated, but considering the thing is around ten years old, it is still pretty amusing.

By the way, this quiz is for entertainment purposes only and in NO way intended to be considered professional pregnancy advice.

What Kind of Mom You Will Be?
By Kellie Head and Loretta Casteen
What kind of mother will you be? Your pregnancy regime and lifestyle may reveal clues.

Your pregnancy fitness regime includes:
A. A daily low-impact aerobics class.
B. Tantra yoga and deep meditation with guru Korbaka
C. Popping a Tae Bo tape in the VCR and settling on the couch with a bag of chips.

Recent physical accomplishment of which you’re most proud:
A. Trimming 2 minutes off your mile
B. 24 hour sit-in protesting shrinking spotted owl habitat
C. Learning to pick stuff up off the floor using your toes.

Your sudden craving for Cheetoes leaves you feeling:
A. Unconcerned. You’ll burn off the extra calories and carbs during your morning power-walk.
B. Sickened. Putting all those chemical additives and preservatives in your body is like slow poison and you promise yourself you’ll stop after just one more handful.
C. Relieved. Finally, a pregnancy craving more in line with your regular diet.

Once the baby is born, his/her main mode of transportation will be:
A. One of those cool, hi-tech aerodynamic jogging strollers.
B. A sling, lovingly hand-sewn using all natural fibers.
C. A garage sale stroller, complete with teething marks from the last baby who used it.

Your healthiest between-meal snack consists of:
A. A specially formulated power-shake designed to give you more energy and optimum nutrition.
B. A silken tofu smoothie and a cornucopia of fresh veggies from your own organic garden
C. Two double scoops of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia. Hey, it’s got calcium and fruit, right?

The professional who’s health advice you most rely on is:
A. The gynecologist who’s special interest is in sports medicine
B. Your midwife/doula team, whom your psychic counselor swears were related to you in a past life.
C. Your grandmother, who swears that raising your arms above your head during pregnancy is dangerous.

You expect your birth experience to be most like:
A. An iron-man competition, requiring strength, endurance and proper coaching.
B. Your visualization –a completely natural and serene experience, complete with soothing music, gentle massage and applied aromatherapy.
C. A drug induced haze, interrupted only by short periods of lucid screaming.
For pain relief during labor, you choose:
A. Pain relief? Who needs pain relief? Embrace the pain. Pain is your friend.
B. Self hypnosis. Focus, drift into your happy place and the natural endorphins will see you through
C. Knock me out and wake me after potty training!

During your pregnancy, your husband broaches the subject of more children. Your response is:
A. “Give me a week after delivery to get back into shape, and we can start trying for the next baby.”
B. “Let me work up the numbers and find out when the alignment of the stars is conducive to another conception.”
C. “Only if YOU are giving birth to the next one!” as you pack his bags and move him to the guestroom, just in case.

Your favorite pregnancy reading material is:
A. “Strengthening Your Body for the Marathon of a Lifetime,” and “Pregnancy is Not for Wimps,” written and illustrated by the Miss World Body Builder 1995
B. “Nursery Decorating the Feng Shui Way”, by Madame Chi Master

C. “Babies and Other Hazards of Pregnancy”, the best selling book by humorist Dave Barry

You are naming your baby after a special person. You choose:
A. Arnold, because you have always admired Arnold Schwarzenegger and his continued commitment to the physical education of our country’s youth.
B. Moonbeam, after your college roommate who had the inner peace and tranquillity to follow her devotion to world peace by giving up her worldly possessions and becoming a roadie for the Grateful Dead.
C. Ida, since your husband’s crazy aunt has threatened to cut you off without a cent if you don’t name your first born after her.

You have chosen to breast feed your baby because:
A. The strength of the uterine contractions during breast feeding reminds you of the progress you are making — no pain, no gain.
B. It’s the most natural and most nutritious food for your baby, and it helps build antibodies against diseases.
C. It’s cheaper than formula.

After the birth, your husband will be handing out:
A. Super Carb Bars wrapped in pink or blue paper.
B. Tender saplings wrapped in biodegradable cheesecloth, ready for planting in honor of your child’s birth.
C. Big fat stogies! You’re a traditionalist at heart.

Playing music to the baby intrauterine boosts the baby’s brainpower. Your music of choice is:
A. The lively upbeat sound of Denise Austin’s Beach Workout video
B. The Nature Collection’s Sounds of the Orca Series
C. 1950 Shoo Be Doo Be Motown hits. You want your baby born with a solid sense of rhythm.

The outfit you’ve packed in your delivery bag for the baby to wear home from the hospital is:
A. Newborn size Gold’s Gym tee shirt with matching baby biker shorts and baby size ankle weights.
B. An all natural, no-dye fiber onesie and a rain-water-washed, line-dried cloth diaper.
C. Same thing your last child wore home from the hospital.

Once initial labor contractions have begun, you will:
A. Start walking to get labor really moving along.
B. Drink some herbal tea designed to help you relax and mentally prepare for the long road ahead
C. Phone everyone you know to put them on baby alert. Then swing into the Taco Bell drive through — this could be your last meal for a while.

Your number one pregnancy compliant is:
A. Being restricted by the Gym staff from using their Nautilus Pro Series equipment.
B. Your feet have swollen to the point that you can no longer fit your big toe into your lucky hemp sandals.
C. Needing help out of the Lazy Boy so you can go to the bathroom — again.

With labor looming your biggest concern is:
A. Getting released from the hospital in time to compete in the Ms. Fitness America contest.
B. Your feet pruning up in the water birth tub
C. Having a TV in the labor room so you won’t miss Oprah.

Both your doctor and pregnancy literature suggest having a coach to help you through the birthing process. The ideal coach for you would be:
A. Bobby Knight–His intense style would motivate you to perform like a champion and hey, he’s between gigs right now.
B. Maya Angelou-Her soothing voice during poetry readings will help you achieve desired chi.

C. Your husband — He got you into this and he’s going to suffer along with you every step of the way.

From the moment you found out you were pregnant, your personal mantra has been:
A. “I will not gain more than 20 lbs. I will not gain more than 20 lbs…”
B. “Happy thoughts equals happy baby Karma. Happy thoughts equals happy baby Karma…”
C. “I’m eating for two. I’m eating for two…”

If you answered mostly A:
You’re a Health Nut Mom. Your commitment to living a healthy lifestyle is as solid and well formed as your abdominal muscles. Your “go for the gusto” exuberance for life creates a positive atmosphere for your child. You never know, with your encouragement and coaching, you could be rearing an Olympic hopeful!

If you answered mostly B:
Earth Mother has met her match! The grass roots (literally) example of living you set will have your child living in harmony with the world. Empathy and understanding are your keys to child-rearing angst. Your child could become a member of Greenpeace or, in rebellion, a corporate raider for a major Fortune 500 company.

If you answered mostly C:
You’re an Old Pro and ready for anything. You come complete with a comfortable roll of fat on each hip–that perfect “baby shelf” you’ve come to rely on. Though you’re certainly not as fit as you used to be, you’ll probably be voted “favorite neighborhood Mom” due to the constant availability of junk food at your house.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: What Kind of Mom Will You be? Quiz « Claiming Creativity

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